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Saturday, April 20, 2024

Liquor Sales To Kind Of Start In Greenwood


Where one business failed another has stepped up to provide those in South Sebastian County a spot to buy a room temperature alcoholic beverage without driving to Fort Smith. (The attached screenshot shows where the lines from northern Sebastian County run to the parking lot close to Highway 71)

A street wise hustler or budding entrepreneur named Witaro [last name withheld to remain the Arkansas Man of Mystery] was searching on Bing one winter night and discovered a loophole. “I was looking at the plans for the new Bypass and one extensive rabbit hole journey later, I discovered that there is one single piece of property that belongs to the non-dry portion of Sebastian County.” Mr. Wutang said. The piece of property is surprisingly in the parking lot of the Walmart Supercenter. “When Walmart purchased the property they had no idea that it still belonged to that portion of the county, so that is where I will park my Maroon colored 1994 Ford Aerostar.”

While this may cause quite the stir with local residents, a local official was reached for comment. “Who are you with? Ahh! That one paper.” the official said, “That guy is doing what? I mean if the paperwork says he can then maybe. We’ll definitely be looking into it. By the way have you seen the movie Con-Air with Nicholas Cage? Should’ve won him an Oscar.”

A representative for Walmart declined to comment. Customers questioned at the store seemed confused as to why a reporter in a fedora with the tag “PRESS” on the side, would be asking questions discreetly in the produce section. “Whoa buddy, I’m just here to get some, some uhh, I told my wife I wouldn’t forget. Gee thanks for nothing pal, now I have to call her.” one customer replied. “KIWI! I remembered!”

“So Con-Air is about this guy played by Nicholas Cage who comes back from serving in the military. And some stuff happens and he like ends up going to jail. They are going to transport him with these other, I guess, high-level criminals. But get this, it’s not a bus it’s a plane! Guess the name… to slow… ‘Jailbird’. Wait, we were talking about a guy and van and selling beverages right?” The officially official said

“I plan on selling what my favorites are, mainly Southern Comfort, maybe a Michelob Ginger Wheat. Those are very tasty” Witaro explained, “Truthfully, I’m hoping no one takes this article seriously. I want the readers understand that the Resident News has a creative staff that likes to have fun on April Fools. It is definitely something to look forward to with the doom and gloom from other news outlets. But, we’ll see.”

Happy April Fools! From all of us at Resident News Network

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Ross Fujibayashi
Ross Fujibayashihttps://residentnewsnetwork.com
A Greenwood Graduate that has called Greenwood home since 1995. I originally started writing for the school newspaper my Junior year of High School, and have been writing on and off ever since. I have interviewed youth sports dads to Formula 1 drivers and love telling the story not only in print but from behind the lens.
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