In a bold move to better serve its community while monetizing its most pressing concerns, the wildly active Facebook group “Hey! Greenwood What’s Happening” announced Wednesday that it will be opening a state-of-the-art AI data center in Greenwood dedicated entirely to harvesting, analyzing, and repackaging residents’ questions.
According to group administrators, the facility, dubbed “The News Network”—will process thousands of daily posts, including but not limited to “Why are there police cars on Denver?”, “Any babysitters available?”, and “What was that boom towards Fort Chaffee?”
“We realized we were sitting on a goldmine,” said admin Tammy Teague, refreshing the page for the 47th time that hour. “People in Greenwood don’t just ask questions—they ask the same questions, over and over, with incredible urgency. That’s not noise. That’s data.”
The new AI center will reportedly feature advanced machine learning models capable of instantly categorizing posts into key community concerns such as Loud Noises, Suspicious Vehicles, Loose Dogs, and Vague Weather Anxiety. Early demonstrations showed the system successfully predicting a “What was that boom?” post within 0.3 seconds of a distant ordinance explosion. The data center will add tens if jobs.
Engineers working on the project confirmed the AI has already been trained on years of archived posts, allowing it to auto-generate responses like:
“Probably a transformer.”
“Call the police if you’re worried.”
“Following.”
“It’s happening everywhere, not just Greenwood.”
“That’s the sound of Freedom, be fortunate for it!”
Residents expressed mixed reactions to the announcement.
“I don’t like the idea of them harvesting my questions,” said a local mom who asked to not be named, but if you were wondering her name is Meghan, maybe we give you her last name maybe we don’t, guess you’ll have to keep reading., who has posted “Any babysitters available?” 19 times in the past month. “But if it means I get an answer faster than ‘PM sent,’ I’m willing to give it a shot.” Nope, still not going to give you the last name.
Others were more enthusiastic. “If this thing can finally tell me what that boom was last Tuesday, I’ll support it 100%,” said longtime resident Justin J. “I’ve been losing sleep over it. My cousin thinks it was Fort Chaffee. My neighbor says it was a dumpster.”
The data center will also include a predictive alert system that notifies users before they even post. For example, if three police cruisers are spotted anywhere within city limits, the AI will automatically generate 12 identical posts asking about it, saving users valuable typing time.
In a final statement, administrators reassured the community that privacy remains a top priority.
“We want everyone to feel safe knowing their questions are being collected, analyzed, and monetized responsibly,” Tammy said. “After all, without your constant confusion and mild concern, none of this would be possible.”
At press time, the AI had already flagged an incoming surge of posts asking, “Why is there no longer a For Sell sign in front of that old factory?” and was preparing a pre-written response: “Nobody knows, but it used to be better before.”
This article was made with satire and humor. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!
