Elections are chaotic for some people while exciting for others. Citizens cast their votes for the candidates they believe will work best for them and their community, county, state, and country, all while waiting with anticipation. Like a sporting event, people stay up late on the edge of their seats waiting for the final results. The 2026 primaries brought plenty of excitement, with close races, blowouts, uncontested candidates, and runoffs. With politics on the uptick today, more and more people want to get their hands in the cookie jar. Whether they add to that cookie jar or steal from it is anyone’s guess, but everybody wants a shot.
Communities were more involved than ever at the polls during the 2026 primaries, which caught the attention of the Board of Election Pronouncements. The board reported heavy traffic on its official website, with questions such as, “How does someone run for office?” and “What are the candidate deadlines?” With thousands of emails pouring in, the board decided to hold a special meeting to assist those wanting to become more involved in local government. In the end, the board voted unanimously to extend the candidate deadlines for the 2026 fall elections through Article 3.S13.C1.35. The new candidate deadline has been pushed back to July 4, 2099.
With Article 3.S13.C1.35 now in place, many new faces will likely be joining the race to better their community, county, state, and country. There is a catch, however, as those looking to take advantage of Article 3.S13.C1.35 should read the “fine print.” Upon reviewing the newly adopted article, there appears to be a gap between paragraphs six and seven. RNN’s own Adam Hecox, who was considering a mayoral run for the town of Mansfield, noticed something was off. Hecox, who has a slight case of OCD, questioned the oddity and brought it to the attention of the Board of Election Pronouncements. After rolling their eyes at what they described as an absurd question, the board stated that this was neither a spacing error nor a misprint, but rather an “Eye of the Pyramid” decipher. To be eligible, candidates must figure out how to bring what is written in the open space to light.
At Resident News Network, we are against such trickery and deception by the powers that be, so the RNN team spent the past few days figuring out how to make the invisible…visible. If you or someone you know would like to apply under the extended candidate deadline, here is what you’ll need to do: Lay the form out on an open surface and spread butter (not margarine) over the blank area. Let it sit for two minutes, then sprinkle 2 ounces of eye of newt on top. Once applied, take a lighter or match and toast the butter off—carefully. Do not burn it, but evenly heat both sides of the paper. Once complete, read the sentences written backward and you’ll discover that all newly added candidates must successfully defeat all other candidates in mortal combat…wait, no, that’s not right. All newly added candidates must successfully defeat all other candidates in Mortal Kombat on a 1993 Sega Genesis console. Whew—that could have turned out badly.
With the new candidate deadline set for July 4, 2099, candidates will have plenty of time to work the arthritis out of their fingers and brush up on their forward, forward, down, up moves for a shot at making their community, county, state, and country a better place to live—some 73 years from now.
**note the content is satirical
