Paris, AR Community Disappointed To Discover They Are In The Wrong Paris
After what experts are calling “an impressively long-running misunderstanding,” residents of Paris confirmed Monday that they are, in fact, not living in Paris, bringing an abrupt end to generations of quiet confidence and mildly European self-esteem.
The discovery reportedly began when local resident [Insert made-up name here, I don’t know, choose one, oh no, it’s typing my thoughts. That new Data Center in Greenwood is harvesting my information.] “I attempted to book a river cruise and was informed that the Arkansas River is “not what we meant.”
“I just thought the Eiffel Tower was on the other side of town,” Tyler said. “Like maybe past the Sonic. I figured I just hadn’t driven far enough yet.”
Confusion deepened after several residents reported an alarming lack of baguettes, fashion houses, and internationally recognized landmarks—aside from the Dollar General that “does kind of have a vibe if you squint.”
City officials confirmed the mix-up during an emergency town hall meeting held at the Football Field. “We regret to inform everyone that this is not the Paris with the croissants,” said the Mayor, holding a printed Bing search result for “Paris attractions.” “The closest thing we have to a café is a McDonald’s where the Orange Juice is moderately fresh from a shipped container.”
“We truly thought that people just knew already,” shrugged the Mayor in a similar fashion to that emoji your wife sends when you’re like, “Where do you want to eat?” But, you know good and gosh darn well she wants El Palenque so she can awkwardly say “Gracias” when they bring your chips and salsa. Stand up for yourself, tell her you want Cheddars because you want that Kyle Busch meal with the Chicken Strips.
Longtime residents expressed a mixture of disappointment and relief.
“I always wondered why nobody here spoke French,” said local man Roger Carter. “I just assumed it was a dialect thing. Like maybe Fort Smith French.”
Others pointed to subtle clues that had gone unnoticed for years.
“In hindsight, the fact that our ‘Eiffel Tower’ is a 12-foot metal structure next to a fountain and a stop light should’ve tipped us off,” said one resident. “Also, the Louvre never returned my emails.”
One tourist, who briefly believed they had finally found the real thing during a trip out of Belgium, recalled their moment of clarity:
“Franchement, je pensais que la tour Eiffel serait plus grande en vrai.”
(Honestly, I thought the Eiffel Tower would look bigger in person.)
A very confused person on the town square
He later confirmed he had been staring at a dump trailer full of scrap metal, parked in front of the replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Tourism officials scrambled to update promotional materials, quietly removing phrases like “romantic European-like getaway” and replacing them with “conveniently located within driving distance of the Arkansas River Valley’s greatest town Greenwood.”
Meanwhile, local businesses have begun rebranding to reflect the revelation. “Le Paris Café” has officially changed its name to “Larry’s Breakfast & Bait,” and a boutique previously advertising “French-inspired fashion” clarified that it meant “we once saw a beret.”
Despite the news, many residents remain optimistic.
“Look, we may not have the real Eiffel Tower,” said Tyler, gesturing toward the town square, “but we’ve got a few stoplights and a place that’ll fry anything you bring in. That’s gotta count for something.”
At press time, several residents were reportedly researching flights to Paris, France, only to abandon the effort after realizing it would require leaving Arkansas.
This article made with satire and humor. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!
“Hey! Greenwood” To Get In On The AI Data Center Craze
In a bold move to better serve its community while monetizing its most pressing concerns, the wildly active Facebook group “Hey! Greenwood What’s Happening” announced Wednesday that it will be opening a state-of-the-art AI data center in Greenwood dedicated entirely to harvesting, analyzing, and repackaging residents’ questions.
According to group administrators, the facility, dubbed “The News Network”—will process thousands of daily posts, including but not limited to “Why are there police cars on Denver?”, “Any babysitters available?”, and “What was that boom towards Fort Chaffee?”
“We realized we were sitting on a goldmine,” said admin Tammy Teague, refreshing the page for the 47th time that hour. “People in Greenwood don’t just ask questions—they ask the same questions, over and over, with incredible urgency. That’s not noise. That’s data.”
The new AI center will reportedly feature advanced machine learning models capable of instantly categorizing posts into key community concerns such as Loud Noises, Suspicious Vehicles, Loose Dogs, and Vague Weather Anxiety. Early demonstrations showed the system successfully predicting a “What was that boom?” post within 0.3 seconds of a distant ordinance explosion. The data center will add tens if jobs.
Engineers working on the project confirmed the AI has already been trained on years of archived posts, allowing it to auto-generate responses like:
“Probably a transformer.”
“Call the police if you’re worried.”
“Following.”
“It’s happening everywhere, not just Greenwood.”
“That’s the sound of Freedom, be fortunate for it!”
Residents expressed mixed reactions to the announcement.
“I don’t like the idea of them harvesting my questions,” said a local mom who asked to not be named, but if you were wondering her name is Meghan, maybe we give you her last name maybe we don’t, guess you’ll have to keep reading., who has posted “Any babysitters available?” 19 times in the past month. “But if it means I get an answer faster than ‘PM sent,’ I’m willing to give it a shot.” Nope, still not going to give you the last name.
Others were more enthusiastic. “If this thing can finally tell me what that boom was last Tuesday, I’ll support it 100%,” said longtime resident Justin J. “I’ve been losing sleep over it. My cousin thinks it was Fort Chaffee. My neighbor says it was a dumpster.”
The data center will also include a predictive alert system that notifies users before they even post. For example, if three police cruisers are spotted anywhere within city limits, the AI will automatically generate 12 identical posts asking about it, saving users valuable typing time.
In a final statement, administrators reassured the community that privacy remains a top priority.
“We want everyone to feel safe knowing their questions are being collected, analyzed, and monetized responsibly,” Tammy said. “After all, without your constant confusion and mild concern, none of this would be possible.”
At press time, the AI had already flagged an incoming surge of posts asking, “Why is there no longer a For Sell sign in front of that old factory?” and was preparing a pre-written response: “Nobody knows, but it used to be better before.”
This article was made with satire and humor. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!
250 Years Ago — March 1776
March 17, 1776 – The British Leave Boston
After months of tension and fighting, British troops evacuated Boston following the Siege of Boston.Under the leadership of George Washington, colonial forces fortified Dorchester Heights with cannons, placing the city and harbor within range.
Faced with this new threat, British forces withdrew by sea.The evacuation marked one of the first major victories for the colonies and boosted confidence in the Continental Army.
A Growing Push Toward Independence
The momentum for independence continued to build. Thomas Paine’s pamphlet Common Sense, published in January, was still spreading rapidly.
By March, many colonists were shifting away from reconciliation with Britain and beginning to support full independence.
Colonial Governments Begin Changing
Several colonies started forming new governments that no longer recognized British authority. Local control and self-rule were becoming central ideas that would soon shape the foundation of a new nation.
Here in Present-Day Arkansas (Scott County Region)
Life in the Ouachita Region
The Ouachita Mountains remained largely untouched by European settlement in 1776.
Native peoples, including the Caddo, lived throughout the region. Daily life centered on agriculture—such as corn, beans, and squash—along with hunting, fishing, and trade.
No Direct Local Involvement—Yet
While events in the eastern colonies were intensifying, this region remained far removed from the conflict. European-American settlement in what would become western Arkansas would not begin for several more decades.
A Land Already Established
Long before Scott County—or even Arkansas—had a name, this land was already home to established communities, traditions, and ways of life. The rhythms of daily living, connection to the land, and strong community ties shaped the region long before it would appear on any map tied to the United States.
Candidate Filing Deadlines Extended For 2026 And Beyond
Elections are chaotic for some people while exciting for others. Citizens cast their votes for the candidates they believe will work best for them and their community, county, state, and country, all while waiting with anticipation. Like a sporting event, people stay up late on the edge of their seats waiting for the final results. The 2026 primaries brought plenty of excitement, with close races, blowouts, uncontested candidates, and runoffs. With politics on the uptick today, more and more people want to get their hands in the cookie jar. Whether they add to that cookie jar or steal from it is anyone’s guess, but everybody wants a shot.
Communities were more involved than ever at the polls during the 2026 primaries, which caught the attention of the Board of Election Pronouncements. The board reported heavy traffic on its official website, with questions such as, “How does someone run for office?” and “What are the candidate deadlines?” With thousands of emails pouring in, the board decided to hold a special meeting to assist those wanting to become more involved in local government. In the end, the board voted unanimously to extend the candidate deadlines for the 2026 fall elections through Article 3.S13.C1.35. The new candidate deadline has been pushed back to July 4, 2099.
With Article 3.S13.C1.35 now in place, many new faces will likely be joining the race to better their community, county, state, and country. There is a catch, however, as those looking to take advantage of Article 3.S13.C1.35 should read the “fine print.” Upon reviewing the newly adopted article, there appears to be a gap between paragraphs six and seven. RNN’s own Adam Hecox, who was considering a mayoral run for the town of Mansfield, noticed something was off. Hecox, who has a slight case of OCD, questioned the oddity and brought it to the attention of the Board of Election Pronouncements. After rolling their eyes at what they described as an absurd question, the board stated that this was neither a spacing error nor a misprint, but rather an “Eye of the Pyramid” decipher. To be eligible, candidates must figure out how to bring what is written in the open space to light.
At Resident News Network, we are against such trickery and deception by the powers that be, so the RNN team spent the past few days figuring out how to make the invisible…visible. If you or someone you know would like to apply under the extended candidate deadline, here is what you’ll need to do: Lay the form out on an open surface and spread butter (not margarine) over the blank area. Let it sit for two minutes, then sprinkle 2 ounces of eye of newt on top. Once applied, take a lighter or match and toast the butter off—carefully. Do not burn it, but evenly heat both sides of the paper. Once complete, read the sentences written backward and you’ll discover that all newly added candidates must successfully defeat all other candidates in mortal combat…wait, no, that’s not right. All newly added candidates must successfully defeat all other candidates in Mortal Kombat on a 1993 Sega Genesis console. Whew—that could have turned out badly.
With the new candidate deadline set for July 4, 2099, candidates will have plenty of time to work the arthritis out of their fingers and brush up on their forward, forward, down, up moves for a shot at making their community, county, state, and country a better place to live—some 73 years from now.
**note the content is satirical
Red Shirts, Fifth Years, & NIL Proposed For High School Athletics
The days of playing a sport for the love of it are nearly ancient history. Most big-name professional athletes could receive Oscars for their flops, sit out because fifty million dollars isn’t enough money, and expect special treatment from the rules game itself. With the wild wild west of college athletics, there seem to be no rules as athletes’ “commitment” to a program has been sold to the highest bidder while they transfer from school to school each year to rake in millions off of NIL. What happened to loyalty, pride, and working through the hard times in athletics?
While the pros play diva-ball and colleges sell their souls for the all mighty dollar, sports fans can at least rely on the pure innocence of high school sports….or can they? A recent proposal by the Athletes Association of Arkansas may take the innocence of high school sports right out of the stands. Proposal 1X-35A1-H by AAA councilman, Cotton Hill of Fouche, Arkansas, was dropped on February 30th and has gained a lot of unexpected traction. According to Hill, “high school athletes are being taken advantage of financially just like college athletes were before NIL was introduced”. The NIL that Hill spoke of is the Name, Image, and Likeness in college sports that officially began on July 1, 2021, when the NCAA adopted an interim policy allowing athletes to receive compensation. This change allowed NCAA athletes in all divisions to profit from endorsement deals, appearances, and other activities without losing their eligibility.
California was the spearhead that started the NIL concept in college sports with its “Fair Pay to Play Act” in 2099 and Hill believes that Arkansas should put its name in the history books by making a step into paying high school athletes. “Social media, newspapers, and city governments have used these young men and women’s names, images, and likenesses for years to earn a profit,” said Hill. While Cotton Hill may or may not have a point on paying high school athletes, there are areas of Proposal 1X-35A1-H that have put sugar in the ears of many other council members of the Athletes Association of Arkansas.
One of the issues that has received a lot of attention is section 3:Bg2 of Proposal 1X-35A1-H. Section 3:Bg2 states that “athletes who have been injured, transferred, or failed a grade year are eligible to complete missed games beyond graduation”. Former Dogpatch fullback and 1966 All-Star, Albert Edward Bundy, is fully onboard with section 3:Bg2 of the 1X-35A1-H proposal. “I scored four touchdowns in the City Championship game and had my ankle not rolled due to a bad pair of shoes, I could have scored more,” said Bundy. “These young athletes deserved to play every game on the schedule. If they get injured and miss games, they should be able to return the next season to fulfill their goal of finishing every game. Let them have a redshirt year and a fifth year to play if that’s what it takes.” The section does have its flaws, though. Fans and players swore in the past that some schools purposefully failed talented athletes in grade school so that they could be older and better by the time they reached senior high. Now, that would be considered not only legal but encouraged.
The moral compass of sports has been on the edge for years now, and fans aren’t even surprised anymore when a public school all of a sudden has a seven-foot-five-star athlete move in from Timbuktu to play basketball in a town of 500 people. Private schools have been doing it for years, according to the AAA councilman Hill. “That’s the catch,” said Hill. “This new proposal is for public school, not private schools”. Hill went on to say, “When I played, we only had fitty men in the whole school, but we played private Catholic schools that had fitty men on their team alone. This will even the playing field”.
If the proposed rule change does pass, it will still have to go through the process of implementation. To implement such a chaotic layout of new rules for high school sports could ruffle some feathers, but to councilman Hill, councilman Bundy, and the Athletes Association of Arkansas president, Charlie Tweeder, are willing to pluck any squawking chickens afraid of these changes. “This is for our athletes,” stated Tweeder. “They deserve every dime and every chance to be just like the college athletes and professionals that they look up to”.
**note the content is satirical
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You Are Loved: Starr’s Message Carries Through Fort Smith Walk for Youth Mental Health
On a quiet stretch of roadway, step by step, Chad Starr continues a journey shaped by loss—but driven by purpose.
Across his back, in bold white letters against blue fabric, are three simple words: You Are Loved.
For Starr, those words are more than a message. They are a promise.
In 2019, Starr lost his 12-year-old daughter, Sienna, to suicide. In the years since, he has transformed that grief into action—walking hundreds of miles to share her story and spread a message of hope, resilience, and connection.
That mission brought him to Fort Smith this month.
A Walk With Purpose Comes to Arkansas
Starr arrived in Fort Smith on March 10, where he met with leaders at the Hamilton Center for Child Advocacy ahead of the two-day event. The visit helped lay the groundwork for a partnership focused on raising awareness and supporting youth mental health services in the region.
On March 14 and 15, Starr completed a 40-mile walk around the perimeter of Fort Smith, averaging approximately 20 miles each day. Community members were invited to join him for any portion of the route—whether a single mile or the full distance.
Some walked beside him. Others offered encouragement, shared stories, or followed along online.
What began as one father’s way of coping has grown into a shared experience—one rooted in visibility, conversation, and connection.
Turning Grief Into Motion
Starr’s journey began as something deeply personal. Over time, it evolved into a mission that has taken him across long distances, including multiple walks around the perimeter of Oahu in Hawaii.
Each step is taken in honor of Sienna.
Each mile carries a message meant for someone who may be silently struggling.
“I want people to know they matter,” Starr has said. “That they’re seen. That they’re loved.”
Why It Matters
Through his partnership with the Hamilton Center for Child Advocacy, Starr’s Fort Smith walk also highlighted the ongoing need for resources supporting children and teens facing trauma, abuse, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
Advocates emphasize that awareness is critical—and that simple conversations can save lives.
By walking, Starr brings visibility to an issue that often remains hidden. By sharing his story, he creates space for others to speak.
Every step becomes part of a larger effort: reminding young people they are not alone.
A Message That Moves Forward
Images and updates from the walk circulated throughout the weekend, showing Starr moving steadily through Fort Smith—sometimes alone, sometimes joined by supporters.
While the miles are behind him, the message continues.
On social media, Starr continues to write to his daughter—words that remain raw, honest, and deeply personal.
“You are loved… especially you, Sienna.”
For Starr, grief is not something to overcome. It is something to carry—and through carrying it, he has created a path for others.
From Hawaii’s coastlines to Arkansas roadways, that path remains steady.
And so does the message:
You are loved.
You matter.
And no one has to walk alone.
If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, for free, confidential support 24/7.
