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Thursday, December 7, 2023

FDA Finds Hot Pockets Aid In Weight Loss

In a recent study done by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, scientists have found that out of 100 people, 95 of them lost 10-25 pounds in a two-week period solely eating Hot Pockets. “This is the most remarkable thing we have ever seen,” stated Professor Ima Smartypants. “The participants ate one Hot Pocket three times a day for 14 days. Immediately, the weight just started falling off. It seems there is a connection between the chemical our brains produce from the joys of eating Hot Pockets and our bodies releasing fat.”

When asked about the 5 participants who showed zero response to the Hot Pocket diet, Professor Smartypants replied, “They just weren’t committed! They had the audacity to say that they found Hot Pockets to be disgusting and inedible. So we kindly asked them to leave the study. With them gone, we now have a 100 percent success rate!” With the hundreds of flavors Hot Pockets has to offer, one would be hard-pressed to get bored eating the same thing over and over on a daily basis.

While the majority of Hot Pockets are encased in a buttery flaky crust, they do also offer pretzel crust options for those looking to cut carbs. Long-time yo-yo dieter, Ginger Vitus, couldn’t be happier to finally find a diet that not only works but taste good as well. “I have tried for decades to achieve this so-called beach body I keep hearing about but everything I have tried has failed. I mean, who really has time to work out and eat right? Between work, the kids, and my nightly Real Housewives of Orange County binge sessions, I’m a busy woman. It’s nice to finally be able to grab a Pocket and go and know that the yummy rectangle of goodness will do all the work for me!”

But there are still skeptics. Lewis N. Clark from NegativeNancyville, Pennsylvania, has zero confidence that the Hot Pocket diet actually works. “So you’re telling me that to lose this 125-pound spare tire, all I have to do is eat Hot Pockets all day? If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is!” Professor Smartypants concluded, “Just like everything else in life, don’t knock it til’ you try it.” As for me, I’m off to get beach body ready!


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